Dammit Jim!
by Titania Took
Summary: Five times Dr McCoy was a doctor, dammit, not something else, and the one time he was a doctor, dammit, not a- oh wait, he was a doctor.


**A/N: Nurse Macnab's Something (her prize from 'The Hangover'- end shameless plug here). Five times Dr McCoy was a doctor, dammit, not something else, and the one time he was a doctor, dammit, not a- oh wait, he was a doctor.**

**Disclaimer: Not mine…**

**Spock: Yay!**

…**.**

1.

It was for once a quiet day on board the starship Enterprise, and Captain Kirk was bored. Very, very bored. He had tried to get Uhura to teach him interesting words in foreign languages, but she wouldn't, and so he was stuck bothering Bones in sickbay (Spock was busy sorting out a minor explosion in the science labs, courtesy of Ensign Richards the Elder, meaning he couldn't bother his preferred choice).

"Meine linke Blinke ist kaput!" he proudly announced upon entering sickbay, much to the irritation of the doctor, who had not had a very peaceful day (the main reason for the unusual quietness of the ship was the fact that its more troublesome crewmembers were mostly in sickbay due to the explosion Spock was currently dealing with.

"Dammit Jim, I'm a doctor, not a German mechanic!" was the only response Jim got before being chased out of sickbay with an unpleasantly large looking hypo. Oh well, he thought. There was always Scotty in engineering to annoy. Provided that bit of the ship hadn't blown up too.

2.

"Dammit Jim, I'm a doctor, not a babysitter!" Dr. McCoy shrieked in horror as he stared down at the miniature Captain and First Officer sitting on the floor of his sickbay in what appeared to be Starfleet regulation footie dungarees.

"Dammitjim!" giggled the three-year-old that was meant to be Kirk, looking up from poking Spock, who said "Illogical" and then returned to a very large complicated science book. The older man groaned. This was going to be a very long however long it took to get them back to normal. He may even have to allow Nurse Chapel to babysit them.

3.

Uhura wobbled into sickbay, helping a rather ill-looking Kirk. It was the first day back on duty after shore leave, and several months since the hangover and vomit incident. Most of the ship had turned up for an anti-hangover hypo already that morning, and he had several of them at the ready. Both were quickly stabbed, much to their annoyance.

Unfortunately, that didn't stop Kirk throwing up all over Bones's boots. "DAMMIT JIM! DOCTOR! NOT PUKE BAG!" he screamed. It must just be karma from that first day in the shuttle. He hadn't even carried through with his threat! Jim looked innocently up at him.

"I think I'm allergic to that hypo." The doctor looked down at it. There was no large red label. According to the small white one, however, it did begin with 'P', which he was fairly sure Nurse Macnab hadn't gotten to yet. He despaired, stabbed the exceedingly irritating man with something that would hopefully stop him from throwing up any more, and forcibly removed the pair from sickbay.

He really hated cleaning vomit off his boots.

4.

Jim had somehow press-ganged both Bones and Spock into coming on shore leave (it is suspected that both bribery and threats were used on both parts), and as a result they all ended up in a swimming pool somewhere on the moon. Spock, coming from a desert planet, had never learnt to swim, but had violently refused to wear armbands, supposedly because they were illogical, but more likely because they were bright orange with pictures of ducks on.

They were currently relaxing in the Jacuzzi seats built into the edge of the pool, which were just big enough for two, but it was a squish. Jim had decided to share a seat with Dr. McCoy, much to his annoyance.

"Dammit Jim, I'm a doctor, not Spock! He's in the seat over there. Go bother him!"

Miraculously, it seemed to work, as the man happily bounced off and hopped into the seat with the Vulcan, who was even more disgruntled than Bones had been, but was powerless to protest, due to his lack of armbands or ability to swim.

The doctor settled back contentedly into his chair, and smiled.

5.

Like most away missions, it had gone wrong. Three redshirts had already died, and those in yellow and blue had had several close scrapes.

"I'm sorry Bones, but we've run out of redshirts, and in the interests of all of our safety we didn't bring any of our more annoying ensigns," the Captain was saying. "You need to distract the locals while me and Spock sneak in and capture the device."

"Dammit Jim, I'm a doctor, not a decoy! Or expendable for that matter! I'd be a useless distraction. What's wrong with Lieutenant Dallas?"

"Good point. I'd forgotten her. I think it was the yellow, and the fact she isn't an Ensign and usually works on gamma shift. Lieutenant Dallas, I assume you can manage a diversion?"

"Aye-aye, Cap'n." With that, she dove out from the corner they had been hiding behind, into the centre of the town square, and began singing loudly about cheese. In a culture that worshipped cheese, this was quite an effective distraction. Soon she was surrounded by a large crowd of the locals begging for more, which she happily gave them, performing some of the elder Ensign Richards's classics, which in any other audience would get her pelted with rotten fruit, or possibly cheese on toast (hits included 'Ode to Cheese on Toast', which was basically "Cheese on toast is yummy" sung to whatever tune you wished).

"Anyone any idea why that kid joined Starfleet? She should have gone into acting," Dr. McCoy mused to anyone who was listening, which happened to be Nurse Macnab.

"Something about some guy named Queue or Zed or something, and a movie that had to be made and sent back to the 21st century to restore the space-time continuum or something like that. Kat's been helping her collect the footage. She asked me for some of Spock's physicals the other day-"

"She WHAT? What would she want a video of shirtless Spock for?"

The nurse gave a patient sigh. "Well, she is even worse than Nurse Chapel when it comes to fangirling."

"Ah. I assume you didn't give it to her."

"Your assumptions would be incorrect. She would have figured out your authorization code anyway, it just would have taken her a couple of extra days of work, and this way I get to not be used to test out whatever they've made in their still lately. It was too good an offer to refuse."

"Hang on… wait… you know my authorization code?"

"Yeah. You do learn some useful things like computer hacking and advanced warp core mechanics if you hang around Kat for too long, as well as every word that Vulcan has ever graced us with."

"Great. How many others know?"

"Only me, Christine, and Dr M'Benga. Someone has to be able to do something if you're out of commission."

"Wonderful… What was that about a still?"

+ 1.

The latest away mission had gone wrong. Badly wrong. Locals-attempting-to-kill-the-entire-landing-party-style badly wrong. They had succeeded in the case of the red-shirted security guards which no one knew the names of – why bother learning them if they're just going to spontaneously combust at some point within the next week? Redshirts were like a radioactive substance with a very short half-life.

Lieutenant Uhura was the only redshirt (well, dress. It was practically short enough to be a shirt) to have survived, other than Ensign Tang, who, along with the other three Ensigns of doom, was the actual cause of all the trouble. They had been deliberately left on the Enterprise so as not to cause any major disasters during the negotiations, but had gotten into trouble with Dr McCoy, who had volunteered to stay on the ship, not realizing that the Ensigns would be onboard as well. They had beamed down to escape the crazed doctor who was chasing them furiously though the ship, but unfortunately they materialized in the huge bowl of ceremonial soup (not plomeek), disrupting the ritual, and making the negotiations impossible (Ensign Richards the Elder managed to spill the apparently holy soup on the high priest, which they took as a sign from god to kill the aliens). Unfortunately, all the Ensigns survived.

Doctor McCoy knew nothing of this. So when Jim rushed into sickbay, he simply responded with his usual response to everything, be it crisis or social call (although with Jim it was sometimes hard to tell).

"Dammit Jim, I'm a doctor, not a…" he yelled.

He then looked down at the body in front of him. Spock, covered in quite a lot of green soup, it had to be soup, with a spear sticking out of where his heart ought to be. For once he was thankful for the fact that the hobgoblin was not human.

"No wait. I am a doctor. I can fix that! Nurse Chapel! Get me a Vulcan blood transplant. Nurse Macnab, I thought you were meant to be babysitting the Ensigns."

"Sorry sir. They're quite hard work to look after."

"I'll give you that. Anyway, try and keep that idiot over there out of trouble while I patch up his hobgoblin."

"Of course, sir. I'll fetch some crayons."

The following morning dawned, in as much as it can on a space ship hundreds of light-years away from Sol, with Spock awake and reasonably well, but confined to Sickbay for a few days, and Kirk (voluntarily in Sickbay? Bones had to pinch himself several times to check if that was real) sitting on a chair next to his biobed holding the Vulcan's hand and showing him the pictures he had drawn while the other was asleep. He could have been described as artistically talented, had he been three years old. The brightly coloured stick-figures labeled 'SPOCKY' and 'ME' were very sweet, but probably deserved the raised eyebrow that was Spock's only response. Bones rolled his eyes, and went back to work, resolving to let them out of Sickbay before Jim started drawing on the walls.

…..

**A/N: Yay!**

**Immy: Wut?**

**Kat: Idek.**

**Immy: ?**

**Kat: …**

**Immy: …**

**Spock: Illogical.**

**Kat: Review!**

**Spock: Illogical.**


End file.
